Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
