Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
