I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
