JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
