My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Blood and glitter go together right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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