Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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