I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
