"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
