If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
