sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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