u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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