Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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