I molested 6 butterflies tonight
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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