Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
