Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
