I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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