If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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