I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Vodka?
Forever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
