Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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