I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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