She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
