Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
