And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
