I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
