Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
