Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
