Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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