I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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