I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
