i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
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