maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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