I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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