I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
