I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
