just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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