ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
