Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
