so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
