If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
