my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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