wakey wakey hands off snakey
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
