i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
