I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
