Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
