She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
