Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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