I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
