I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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