So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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