How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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